Anything but surrender!

Even although I practise Krsna Consciousness, many times in a day I will do anything else but serve Lord Krsna! How shocking to realize this...yet again. Sometimes I think it's just because I'm tired, or mentally disturbed or this or that, but it all boils down to envy of Lord Krsna the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Sure, sometimes I'm ill, physically or mentally, but these illnesses must come from past karma right? And why do I have karma? Why am I in this material world? ENVY of Krsna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead. I wish I was not envious of the Supreme Lord, but the truth of the matter is...I am. And the only way to end this envy is to surrender unto the Lords Pure Devotee and serve Him with all my heart and soul and pray for deliverance of this demoniac mentality. Should I beat myself up about this? Perhaps to a certain degree. But realistically, I've been in this material world for what seems like an eternity, so to beat myself up because in 10 years I have not become free of envy towards the Supreme Lord, considering years and lifetimes of material conditioning, I'm doing ok, by the mercy of my Spiritual Master Srila A.C Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. But at the same time, I should still feel ashamed at my pitiful condition. It is shameful to be envious of any living entity and even more so to be envious of the Supreme Lord, our creator, our Father and our dear most friend and ever well wisher. The amazing thing about it all, is that the Supreme Personality of Godhead loves us so much and wants us to end the suffering that we are undergoing here in this temporary world, more than we want to end it. And the Lord time and time again sends His representatives and even personally comes to deliver us. We are so fortunate and so loved. Let us all take full advantage of Lord Krsnas pure devotee Srila Prabhupadas instructions and end this life of suffering and return back home, back to Godhead. In a world full of divine love, free from the trappings of this material realm. All glories to our beloved Lord Sri Krsna! All glories to His Divine Grace Srila A.C Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada!