Accepting depression and anxiety and moving forward

Last night, I looking back at my life I realised that I've always suffered from depression and anxiety.  It just seems more acute nowadays...maybe the older you get the more you notice it?

I'm going for psychotherapy and am uncovering all sorts of things from my childhood...some things too hard to believe.  I'm starting to think that perhaps I have made up things, like I let my imagination run wild just so that I can justify the condition that I am in.  But, maybe I just have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

Who can really know for sure what is wrong with me.  I've taken medication and I was high as a kite.  Felt great, yet artificial and there was weight gain and then some depression after my body got used to the meds.  Hmmm, not really into upping my dose...what will happen to me after 10 years of this kind of carry on?

There's a beautiful lady I know in the town that I live in.  She must be in her early thirties and she is battling cancer.  She tried natural medication for 2 years and the cancer has only become worse, but she soldiers on.  To me it seems like she has accepted her cancer.  She has accepted her fate.  That was inspiring to me.

So instead of me feeling sorry for myself sometimes  and frantically trying to find this miracle natural and fantastic cure for my depression and anxiety, I've decided to accept it.  Maybe even embrace it.  "Hello Depression and Anxiety my old friends.  How can we work together so that we can make it to the end in God Consciousness?"

This made me feel more sober in mind...the kind of sobering feeling you get when you go to a funeral and look at a corpse.  "Yes, it's a fact, I. AM. ALSO. GOING. TO. DIE. ONE. DAY.  Best I get prepared."

So..preparing for death...sounds a tad morbid I know, but death is really just like the changing of an old garment to put on a new one...and if you are well prepared for death, you may not even have to take on another material body, but rather enter into the spiritual realm, as your true self, you, an eternal spiritual being apart from the gross and subtle body.   Nice! No more depression!  BONUS!

Okay, so I have this fragile glass jar, and I can fit one rock into it.  This rock is my spirituality.  The pebbles and sand in this fragile bottle are needed but not that important.  My main focus should be spirituality.

There are examples in the vedic scriptures, like Prariksit Maharaj, who was cursed by a naughty Brahmana boy to die in 7 days.  So instead of trying to counteract the curse (which Prariksit Maharaj easily could have), he accepted the curse and spent 7 days and nights listening to the sacred texts of Srimad Bhagavatam from the great Sage Sukadeva Goswami.  He attained self realisation and left his material body when the seven days passed.  He attained pure love of God.  He was completely successful.  

Had he counteracted the curse, who knows what may of happened to him.  He may have lived a long life, but may have become distracted by the illusions of this material world.

We all have our lives put out for us.  In my case, it has not turned out the way I thought it would.  I always thought that my mental problems would get better, that I would become this amazingly functional person full of confidence and ability to achieve things in life.  I wanted to do so many things in the entertainment industry, I wanted to serve Lord Krsna and  my Spiritual Master very expertly and I wanted to help people.  But the reality is, I can hardly even help myself.  Cooking a meal for myself can take weeks to achieve.  Tidying my room is the greatest mission in my world.  Getting myself out of the house takes so much energy for me.

Some days are better than others.  Some days, even weeks or months, I can soar through life like an eagle and then something happens...who knows what it could be, the change of direction of the wind perhaps, and I'm down, low down, I feel like I can't survive.  I feel as though I need to book myself into a mental institute because I can't cope with another day.  I lose my grip on reality.  I panic.  I feel alone, hopeless, grief and deep despair take over.  And it feels like an eternity.

Up and down, up and down.  There is a verse in the Bhagavad Gita As It Is, where Lord Krsna says:

"O son of Kunti, the nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception, O scion of Bharata, and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed."

...Tolerate, without being disturbed.  Equipoised.  Finding the balance.

So to me this means, no matter what my material body is going through, bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety, happiness, I must learn to tolerate it.  Find the balance...and not be disturbed....i.e  no self harming or suicide attempts.  But when I'm happy I should not become manic with over happiness and become super attached to this wonderful feeling of happiness, because then, I  go on a really low, low when the happiness is not there anymore to make me feel good.  What goes up...must come down...unless you are a tight rope walker...finding the balance.

This means my attachment to God is to be made strong, through chanting His names, serving Him as best I can and reading about Him as best as I can.

The Lord preserves what we have and carries what we lack.

I have to live a deep internal life, apart from the external material world with it's pleasures and pains.

Spring is approaching, the birds are singing, the Jasmines are blooming and giving off their wonderful scent, that makes my head want to explode with pleasure when I inhale it. I love offering these amazingly fragrant flowers to the Lord and my Spiritual Master.

Now there is happiness externally, all around.   I love Jasmines, and wait all winter for them to come into bloom again.  I observe and experience it today with a sober mind.  Trying to experience the deeper happiness and security within my heart knowing that I am not this temporary  body, I am not this temporary mind and senses, but that I am a spirit soul, apart from the gross and subtle and that I am protected and loved by the Supreme Lord Sri Krsna of whom I am an eternal servant to.

The more we boil the milk, the sweeter it gets.

Here are some inspiring quotes from Srila Prabhupada regarding boiling down the milk of Krsna Consciousness:


.
....you have got the right idea when you say that your preaching work
shall be directed toward the children and the devotees and not so much to
the Dallas public. We may thin the milk till it becomes useless, or we may
boil it until it becomes thick and sweet, so now we have got enough
followers, let us train them up perfectly in the philosophy and activities
of Krsna Consciousness way of life. Unless all of my students become very
much fixed up in their spiritual progress, what is the use of so many
programs for expansion? So you are the leader at Dallas, now it is your task
to become very, very responsible for the spiritual well being of all of the
students there, so Krsna will give you all intelligence and facilities to
serve Him nicely if you are very much sincere to do so. This will please me
very much.
============
REF. Letter to: Stokakrsna -- Los Angeles 20 June, 1972


I want that we shall concentrate on making our devotees Krishna
conscious and ourselves becoming Krishna conscious, and not be so much
concerned with expanding ourselves widely but without any spiritual content.
Just like boiling the milk, it becomes thicker and sweeter. Now do like
that, boil the milk.
Hoping this will meet you in good health.
Your ever well-wisher,
============ REF. Letter to: Rupanuga --
Honolulu 9 May, 1972


Now we have got so many students and so many temples but I am fearful
that if we expand too much in this way that we shall become weakened
and gradually the whole thing will become lost. Just like milk. We may thin
it more and more with water for cheating the customer, but in the end it
will cease to be any longer milk. Better to boil the milk now very
vigorously and make it thick and sweet, that is the best process. So let us
concentrate on training our devotees very thoroughly in the knowledge of
Krishna Consciousness from our books, from tapes, by discussing always, and
in so many ways instruct them in the right propositions.
I hope this meets you and your good wife Himavati in good health, and I
shall be arriving in London sometime on the 5th July, so you may all come to
London at your convenience and see me there.
Your ever well-wisher,
A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami
ACBS/sda
============ REF. Letter to: Hamsaduta -- Los Angeles 22
June, 1972

 

 Simply boil the milk.  From my conditioned point of view, I realized today, that whatever my husband and myself have, I'd like to consolidate it and now boil down the milk.

By the mercy of Srila Prabhupada, we have everything, all the books, all the knowledge, all the training, all facility for devotional service.   All the know how of how to rise up to the human platform and then how to become a devotee.

I looked at our pots today and saw that they were black at the bottom...I have to start somewhere.  Boil down the milk, boil down the milk.  Make everything I do nice and clean and proper so that one day Sri Guru will come and give his darshan and perhaps he will take us to Lord Sri Krsna.

Boiling down the milk, boiling down the milk.  We must not over endeavor and become depressed, always keeping the balance.  Health, sadhana, service.
 Knowing our limitations and from what platform we are starting out from.  Following the instructions of Sri Guru meticulously, with duty, purpose, faith, enthusiasm and determination.

Boiling down the milk, be careful not to burn, not to boil over, keeping the temperature just right.
Clean the pots, clean the kitchen, clean the temple, clean the heart.
An offering to Sri Guru, will he accept this service? - oh look, a black spot, clean, clean again.  Kick out laziness, kick out illusion, kick out apathy in the process of devotional service.
Everyday new.  A new opportunity to improve.

Boiling down the milk, boiling down the milk...Dear Gurudeva, is this offering acceptable?...I did'nt think so.  Thank you for your patience GuruMaharaj, thank you for your compassion. I'll go back and try again.  Thank you for giving me a chance Gurudeva.
One day, one day it will be perfect.  One day it will be pure.  By your mercy Gurudeva, by your grace and  by some endeavor from me a would be lost case.
Jay Gurudeva.

Who is our real friend?

Friendship, family, society and love...all temporary I'm afraid.  It's so difficult to accept sometimes.

"I love you!  I'll love you forever! You're my forever man/woman/friend/parent/child..." Sound familiar?  Ever felt that way about anyone?  Anyone ever felt that way about you?

Well the harsh reality is, that all relationships within this material world are temporary.  Even if we stay with one partner for an entire lifetime, we will die and go in different directions.  It is stated in the Vedas, that just as sticks come together in a river and stay together for some moments, soon  the current pushes them all apart, much like relationships within this material world.

So do we have an eternal friend?  Is any friend real?  Yes, Krsna the Supreme Personality of Godhead is our eternal friend.  You may call Him Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Buddha, Govinda, Gopala, God.  He is our eternal shelter, our Supreme friend and eternal well wisher.

How can we connect with Krsna, our eternal friend?...Well, through chanting His holy names.  Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare.  The most simple and sublime method for reviving our relationship with God.

Taming the TONGUE.

Tongues are weird looking things.  A slimy muscle that loves to talk and taste, talk and taste, talk and taste until you either feel like a fool for speaking too much nonsense or a pig for eating too much.

For a spiritualist we have to learn to control the tongue, because if you can control your tongue, you can control the rest of your senses.

According to Bhagavad Gita As It Is, the tongue should be engaged in vibrating the names of God and speaking of the topics of God, also,  to taste the remnants of foodstuffs offered to the Lord (Prasadam).

One should not over eat...and have you ever noticed how easy it is to overindulge?  Overeating happens for so many reasons.  Nowadays, many people use food as a comfort...comfort eating, it can become like an addiction.  It can be like a hobby.  Eat when you are bored, sad, happy, lonely, entertainment, pleasure... or just because you are just  plain and simply greedy and lustful at that moment...believe me, I know, I am a victim of my uncontrolled tongue.

Whatever the reason for overeating, one needs to address this issue and correct it if one wants to make tangible spiritual advancement, because a yogi is one who neither eats too much or eats too little.

It always feels so good when you just eat when you are hungry and stop before you are full.  Just enough to keep body and soul together...and believe me, we don't really need to eat that much.  You feel strong and so in control...in control of what exactly?...Well in control of our senses.  I always feel so focused when I am able to control the tongue...but it's a constant battle.

It's not so much about losing weight or looking good, it's about being in control of your senses and not allowing the mind and senses to drag you around all over the show, so that our focus on our spiritual practice  is disturbed.

Well, here's to another moment in an attempt to control the tongue.  It's a constant battle, but it must be fought.  If we lose the battle one hundred times a day, just get up, and dust yourself off, keep calm and carry on.  With constant practice and determination, we will get there, it can't rain all the time.

Learning how to not be a man, when you're a woman.

In this world, as we are assigned to our duties in life according to our karma, woman in particular have taken on the role or have tried to become equal to men.

Srila Prabhupada has spoken many times about this situation.  How womans liberation is just exploiting woman.  Woman think they are free, but they are always dependent upon someone...particularly men.

It's a fact, we are weaker by nature.  We are more fragile and sensitive. 

In a world where it's just the norm for woman to work just as hard as men, I find myself feeling guilty when I can't keep up.  Guilty when I need to stop because I'm tired, emotional and drained. Guilty because my body is doing it's thing and I can't get up because I'm in pain. Guilty because my husband is working so hard and I'm slacking.

But guess what?  Men love to work hard and wipe the sweat from their brows (real men anyways).  They are like oxen who love to work hard and relax at the end of a day that was action packed.  And women are'nt supposed to be neck and neck with the husband on the battlefield.  Sure, sometimes it may be needed, but for the most part, it's OK to stand just a little behind the man.  Sheltered from the world.  Being a tremendous support for the man who goes out on the battlefield of life.

From the highest point of view, we are spirit souls, part and parcel of Krsna and are prakriti, female by nature.  Krsna is purusa, the Supreme male.  As prakriti, we are eternal servants of the original Supreme male, it's only natural.  So for those of us embodied in female bodies in this material world, it could be easier for us to develop this relationship with God, but not if we try to dominate the male species and be the "Supreme" controller in what is known as the battle of the sexes.  That is not our position, how will we be able to cultivate the qualities of a devotee if we are trying to be men when we are woman?

Apologies

I would like to make a public apology to anyone that I may have offended through articles that I have written on the internet.

Searching for the truth is not always easy and  due to being a conditioned living entity, I   have sometimes said or written things that were not proper or correct.   This is due to my ignorance and foolishness.

I ask anyone who I may have offended to please forgive me.

Your fallen servant

Suvarna Manjari dasi

To serve or to be served?

Another wonderful day in the service of Srila Prabhupada and Lord Krsna.

Attending mangal arti and getting your rounds done before 7am is really the boost you need to get you going for the day. Mixed with conscious enthusiasm to serve the Lord, His pure devotee and other living entities makes for one AWESOME day!

 After a day of service and work, while putting the Lord to rest, I was wondering about the concept of being a servant. We are always servants. There is never a time when we are not a servant to some one or something. Srila Prabhupada says that either you serve God or you serve dog, but you must serve. It's a difficult concept for some to swallow...I mean, SERVANT? Menial SERVANT? Can this be right? Is this all I am? Is this all I amount to? A SERVANT?

Some may feel it's so degrading, so low. After all, WE want to be the masters and controllers. And even although a woman or man may find great joy in serving their dog, we still don't like to admit that we are mere servants. But what is the feeling behind service? Why does it make us feel so good? And here I'm not referring to being a servant to an abusive boss or so called guru or family member (although in a twisted reality this may feel good to the one being abused due to low self esteem). I mean the good relationships, but more specifically our relationship with Lord Krsna and His pure devotees. What makes us tick? What makes us go on and on and on without stopping despite trials and tribulations?

 Well I found out tonight that it boils down to loving exchange. The loving exchange between the Lord, the Spiritual Master and the devotee. Just see the loving exchanges between Arjuna and Lord Krsna. Sudhama Brahmana and Lord Krsna. So many examples are there. The Srimad Bhagavatam are full to the brim of examples of the loving exchanges between the Supreme Master and His eternal parts and parcels. Examples of how the Supreme Personality of Godhead Himself serves the devotee. It's incredible. Not that we should aspire and desire to be served by Lord Krnsa! But we can appreciate the Lords loving spirit and mood. And although I am young in my devotional life and bound up by the modes of material nature, still in this conditioned state I can practically see and experience the reciprocation from Lord Krsna and Srila Prabhupada. There are countless examples of the loving exchanges between Srila Prabhupada and His early disciples that we can also hear and relish. So next time if we feel like what's the point in serving serving serving all day long, we can try to remember those loving exchanges that we experience everyday. :)